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Water Can Kill You -- Satire

Water Can Kill You 
Dale Lowdermilk 
Montecito, CA 
The Journal of Irreproducible Results
Reprinted courtesy of The Pragmatist, Box 392, Forest Grove, PA 18922.
http://www.reutershealth.com/jir/jir33.html

Water is one of the most hazardous substances known to man. However, 
until now, no one had yet seriously considered the grave threat that 
water poses to unsuspecting victims. The evils of water-dependence -- a 
physical addiction to which every human being has fallen victim --have
gone virtually unrecognized in our time. It is our purpose here to detail 
the harm that this chemical causes to people, in the hope that 
responsible leaders in government and industry will adopt appropriate 
legislative and voluntary measures to contain the widespread abuse of water,
and to develop treatments against water addiction. 

According to Ann Landers and various official government sources, every 
year there are approximately 2.7 million injuries from recreational and 
leisure activities such as boating, fishing, swimming, beach and pool 
parties and waterskiing. Each year, there are 7000 drownings in the
United States--outright cases of water overdose. 

Motor-vehicle accidents account for nearly 50,000 additional deaths and 
almost two million permanent disabilities annually. How many of these are 
a direct result of wet (i.e., water-covered) roads, snow or sleet, and 
other water-related obstructions to visibility, such as fog and heavy rain?
Nearly 85 percent of all aviation accidents are classified as "weather" 
(make that water) related. Yet nobody thinks of regulating travel during 
periods of water weather. 



Water: Life Giver, or Death Bringer? 

As with hepatitis from infected heroin needles, many deaths from water 
abuse are incidental and not caused directly by the substance. They occur 
because of the unsafe conditions in which it is used. 

Water may wash our bodies clean but it also brings to them countless 
harmful microbic and toxic chemicals. Cancer, influenza, and other 
life-threatening diseases can be introduced by water-borne
bacteria, viruses and carcinogens. Drinking fountains and faucets in 
California are now producing more trichloroethane (TCA), benzene, 
chloroform, carbon tetrachloride and PCE than the companies that 
manufacture these chemicals. In Silicon Valley alone, there are 140,000
underground storage tanks containing hazardous substances most of which 
have been leaking for years. Most garden hoses are so filled with 
residual pesticides that a mere weekly watering (without supplemental 
chemicals) is sufficient to keep the weed and insect population under
control. According to a California magazine for March 3,1985, there have 
been more than 100,000 chemicals introduced since 1940, 92% of which are 
water soluble, and hundreds of which are known carcinogens. 

It is therefore our conclusion that the most dangerous components of 
artificially flavored food and drinks are not the caffeine, saccharin, 
aspartame, BHT, BHA or colorings, but the water. 

Most drug enforcement officials accept the possibility that many heroin 
addicts die because of infected needles. The obvious question is, How did 
the needles become infected? By trying to sterilize the needles in 
infected water, perhaps? 

Drunkenness, often associated with the alcoholic contents of wine, beer 
and whiskey, is actually, a cellular reaction to the major component of 
these liquors--water. (One company even blatantly makes this proclamation 
in its advertising, with the slogan, "It's the Water." Another company
cleverly disguises the culprit by blaming it on "The Artesians.") Even 
more staggering evidence is research which originally linked the over 
consumption of milk and dairy products with juvenile crime in large 
metropolitan areas, but overlooked the obvious: milk is 85% water. 

Water abuse among teenagers, both intentional and accidental, has risen 
to epidemic levels. Youngsters are rapidly discovering the satanic 
pleasures of water beds, water-driven toothbrushes shower-attached 
pulsating devices, and the dreaded hot-tub, which can cause fainting,
hyperthermia, heart failure and brain damage not to mention countless 
immoral and unnatural acts which are in themselves dangerous. Lakes, 
rivers and ponds are all temptations which beckon the unwary, lulling 
them into a sense of peacefulness, causing overexposure to ultraviolet 
radiation in sunlight, and eventually thousands of cases of skin cancer. 



Psychological Addiction and OverdoseEffects 

Psychologists have reported that in 1984 there were four cases of a 
disorder, known as psychogenic polydipsia, in which the victim becomes 
overloaded with the consumption of water, and literally drinks himself or 
herself to death. In cities with high chlorine levels, the kidneys and
brain may become overloaded and a mild form of intoxication develop. This 
disorder is growing at an alarming rate. In 1995, there have already been 
nine cases of psychogenic polydipsia through May--a 125% increase in the 
incidence relative to all of 1994. Most doctors, however, agree
that drinking distilled water may be even more dangerous than regular tap 
water because of the lack of minerals and concentration of thalomethanes 
in distilled water. There is no such thing as "safe" water.

Nutrition researchers Durk Pearson and Sandy Shaw, in their 1982 work 
Life Extension: A Practical Scientific Approach cited a 1981 report from 
Medical Hotline warning that "Excess water intake by infants can induce 
hyponatremia, an abnormal concentration of sodium in the blood, which can 
result in irritability, confusion, lethargy, followed by coma, 
convulsions, and even death." This little-known effect of water overdose 
adds to those associated with drowning, the most common form of direct 
overdose.

Since January, most of the 80 suicides committed by people who jumped off 
bridges (such as the infamous Golden Gate) could have been prevented if 
these bridges had not been built over bodies of water.

Not until the early 1970s did we begin to realize the immense danger 
inherent in the stored (dammed) and kinetic (falling) energy of water. 
The very presence of metropolitan drinking-water reservoirs is an open 
invitation to terrorism, These unguarded civilian targets could be poisoned
or detonated without great physical or intellectual effort. One scenario 
includes the possibility of foreign aircraft dropping 75,000 tons of 
gelatin into a Pentagon water supply intake, causing the Joint Chiefs of 
Staff to become childlike in their behavior (giggling and laughing). This 
would of course enable the enemy to further entice our military leaders with 
lollipops and candy bars.

Anyone living in the vicinity, particularly downstream, of earthen dams 
is constantly aware of the possibility of rupture by earthquake. It 
remains, however, an unverified assertion that there are more dam cracks 
in California than there are cracked politicians in the state of New York.

Every nuclear power plant in the country contains dangerously high 
concentrations of superheated water. This hot water, when discharged into 
nearby waterways, kills fishlife and upsets the delicate balance in 
streams and rivers with far reaching effects on the environment and economy,
as resorts depending on recreational fisherman see their source of income 
dry-up. In an even more insidious consequence of water and nuclear 
energy, had heavy water (containing one atom of oxygen and two of 
deuterium, a hydrogen atom with one neutron) never been discovered or
concentrated, the construction of atomic weapons and nuclear power plants 
would have been impossible, leading to much better mental health than 
modern man enjoys. Scientifically mutated into deuterium oxide, this 
offspring of water could easily be responsible for the annihilation of the
world. 



The Horrible Sight of Water Addiction

Even worse than the sight of the heroin junkie are the writhing and 
pathetic gestures associated with water withdrawal. The dry throat, the 
ripping headaches and muscle spasms of thirst lead the victim to random 
violence in craving search of the next sip, only to be followed by 
another fix soon thereafter, in perpetual succession. Water withdrawal 
inevitably ends with death. Every man, woman and child is afflicted with 
this habitual and physical addiction. Expectant mothers who are addicted 
pass on their dependence to their offspring, who are water addicts.

This sordid, irreversible condition can only be controlled with stringent 
actions combined with an understanding of the water addict's problem as a 
disease to be treated. Educational efforts alone are not nearly enough. 
We cannot expect that individuals can come to recognize their
problem and take appropriate action on their own. Pushers, merchants of 
water death are entrenched in every community and even enjoy some repute 
as friendly servants of the needs of customers. Indeed, trafficking in 
water is a billions-a-year industry that can only be fought with
genuine and sustained civic action. This action must be aimed at 
implementing or all of the following recommendations:

1.Free, unregulated trafficking in water must be stopped. We must take 
the glasses out of the
hands of those who abuse themselves and create a burden on society. 

2.To this end, we recommend that water paraphernalia, such as squirt 
pistols, balloons, garden hoses, canteens, flushing and pumping devices 
be registered and licensed for use only after an approved training 
program is taken. Additionally, only those who qualify for a Liquid 
Permit from their local fire departments may be allowed to obtain 
containers capable of holding more than one gallon of water. 

3.Water use must also be controlled at the consumption level. The Food 
and Drug Administration could place water on its list of controlled 
substances, such that prescriptions from licensed physicians will hence 
forth be required to purchase water. The FBI and federal Drug Enforcement
Administration should be empowered to investigate violators and illicit 
traffickers of water. Local police must be given the power to enter, 
without warrants, buildings where there is reasonable cause to suspect 
illegal showering activity, water sports or stockpiling of water. Reward 
systems could be implemented to encourage neighbors and family members to 
report violations on each other. 

4.Legislation must be passed at the state or local level to require the 
placement of flow-control devices on faucets and showerheads to approved 
levels (preferably not more than 16 fluid ounces per day), and to require 
airplane style commodes (which do not allow access to flushing water) in
all new housing and public restrooms built beginning January 1, 1996. 

5.Although we doubt that public educational efforts are effective in 
combating water abuse, nevertheless they may do some good. To this end, 
we urge the President to declare a "War on Water" and establish a 
National Commission on Water Abuse to coordinate media advertising
campaigns, school-based water awareness programs and ongoing research 
into the dangers and effects of water abuse. Nancy Reagan and NBC could 
be recruited to pitch in their efforts to fight water abuse among 
children and teenagers. We also propose legislation to put warning labels on
distilled-water bottles, with language indicating that the Surgeon 
General has determined water is dangerous to your health. 

Think again. Can you tolerate the grim sight of your child falling easy 
prey to this fatal drug? Measures such as these are necessary to avoid 
sordid tales like the following one from "Wayne," a 19-year-old water addict:

"I think I had my first taste at about the age of six months. That's what 
my daddy used to tell me. By the time I was 7 years old, I was guzzling 
about three pints a day of the stuff. Pushers would set up stands by the 
schoolyard at recess and offer us cans filled with sugared water. Then I 
wake up one morning after lying unconscious for eight hours and realized 
what was happening to me. Drink and urinate, that's all my life had become. 
Even now all I can think of is a tall glass of ice water trickling down 
my throat. God, I'm so ashamed!" 

The views expressed in The Journal of Irreproducible Results are the 
authors' own, and may not necessarily reflect the views of Reuters Health Information Services.